I wish I could say ‘I’m shy’

I’m too shy to say ‘I’m shy’.

For example:

• When my boss refers to my new colleague as ‘shy’, I don’t say, ‘well, I’m shy as well’’;
• Or when one of my other colleagues comments that that same co-worker is ‘timid’, I don’t say, ‘yeah, I used to be like that too’;
• Or when my sister says that her two-year-old son, my nephew, ‘isn’t shy’; that his dad was ‘proud’ of him when he happily mixed with the other kids at soft play, I don’t say, ‘there’s nothing wrong with being shy’. 

I’m not comfortable enough with being shy to own it, I shy away from admitting I’m shy.

Why? 

Because shyness is deemed to be a negative trait. I was called ‘shy’  from a young age, and not in a good way. I was told – and therefore made to feel – that being shy was a weird wrong bad thing; that being shy meant I wasn’t good enough, that I wasn’t normal. 

It’s a ‘shame’ to be shy, and being shy also brings shame on those around you; that’s why your parents have a pop at you because it’s shameful to have a shy child; in their eyes they must have failed somehow; and that’s why your classmates don’t want to be your friend, because it’s embarrassing, not cool, to have the quietest kid in class a part of your gang. 

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I’m now 40 years old and I know there’s nothing wrong with being shy, that the attitudes of parents, teachers, and so many others, towards shy and quiet children, can do so much damage to those children, forcing them to retreat into their shells even more. I know there’s no need to be ashamed of being shy.

But knowing all this doesn’t stop me from feeling shy, for feeling that I want to distance myself from the label, to escape it.

I don’t point out to my boss that I’m also shy because a part of me likes not being seen as shy, as ‘the quiet one’ anymore. I get to let go of that stigma I’ve always carried with me for being shy.  

And I don’t remind my sister how shy I used to be, because I don’t want to conjure that weirdo child-self of mine, because of the stigma and the shame, that was attached to her.

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I wish I could be a better, ‘louder’ (lol!) advocate for being shy, though. That would be more honest. Whilst I may no longer find myself the quietest person in the office (or on the Teams call), and I’m not as timid as I was when I was younger, I am still shy! 

And it’s important to me – despite all my feelings of shame/insecurity/discomfort at being labeled and seen as shy – that I am indeed considered such! 

If only because then I could at least signal to the other quiet people I meet (like my colleague), or to my nephew who is already receiving those messages that being shy is ‘bad’, that there is nothing bad, or weird or wrong about being shy.

I imagine how amazing it would be to hear someone I know speak up for being shy; so I wish I could be that person myself. 

I want to be able to model shyness as a good thing, a positive trait, one that doesn’t have to be overcome, but instead can be accommodated for, lived with, even celebrated. 

I don’t want to stay shy about being shy.