I now know what it’s like to love.

I became an auntie nearly two years ago. To a beautiful boy. My nephew. And he’s changed me, in ways I couldn’t have imagined. 

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I’m a different person when I’m with my nephew – I blossom – and become more outgoing, expressive, silly, loving. 

When I interact with him, I smile more, I speak more loudly. 

My shyness, my ‘natural’ reserve, melts away. 

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I’m not an affectionate person. But I am with my nephew. For example, I can’t help but give him a peck on the cheek when we’re saying goodbye. The first time I did this, I took myself completely by surprise; rarely do I act so spontaneously, instinctively, lovingly.  

I do not flinch or stiffen when he reaches out to me; quite the opposite, in fact, I find myself wanting his affection. I adore having him on my knee, giving him high-fives, giving him a tickle. And I absolutely love holding his squidgy little hand as he toddles alongside me; and I relish that he feels safe enough to hold my hand, to let me guide his way.  

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Being with my nephew gets me out of my head and brings out my own inner child. I get to play, have fun, be silly, and throw stuff around just like he does. We keep each other entertained. And yes – entertaining a toddler is exhausting, and overstimulating, but it’s also liberating; he lifts my spirits; lifts me out of myself. I just love spending time with him. 

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I enjoy getting to know my nephew, and building a rapport, a relationship with him. A memory I’ll forever cherish is of an afternoon we spent together a few months ago. After we’d spent some time playing a silly game I out-of-nowhere-just-invented, a bit later on, he toddled over to me, smiling, before nestling his head into my legs, one of the ways he shows affection. It was a beautiful moment because it proved that he liked me, that he’d grown comfortable with me. I never thought I was capable, never conceived of myself being able to achieve such a connection with him, this little human being. And I’ve thoroughly enjoyed discovering that I can. 

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Not only has it been a revelation to find myself capable of forming a relationship with my nephew, I’ve also been struck by how much I want to have a relationship with him. I want us to be pals. 

This is important to me. I’ll never have kids of my own – and that’s absolutely fine, I don’t have a broody bone in my body; and for all the new feelings my nephew has stirred in me, I can confidently say maternal yearnings are not one of them. Nonetheless, he does present an opportunity to establish a new life-long bond; and I find myself wanting to make the most of that opportunity, to have this person in my life. Maybe that’s because I don’t have a lot of other people in my life. 

Plus, it feels so much easier to form a friendship with this brand new human, than it would with another adult.  Babies are blank slates, they don’t come at you with any preconceptions or prejudices, unlike adults. They are pure; they take you as they find you. The arrival of my nephew has gifted me with a precious opportunity to reconsider some of my own preconceptions and perceptions – re. myself – and form a new relationship, make a new friend. 

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But by far the biggest change my nephew has sparked in me, is that I now know what it’s like to experience love*. I can emphatically, wholeheartedly, with feeling, say ‘I love him’. 

And I love being an auntie. I look forward to seeing his character develop, our relationship deepening as a result… and the further shifts in self this might provoke in me. 

*For my previous musings on love, click here.