Reflections on 2 years of Socially Distant
It’s been two years since I set up this website.
What’s changed?
A lot, but also not much.
I still very much consider myself to be a socially distant person.
But how I feel about being ‘socially distant’, and how I experience myself as such, has changed somewhat, particularly over the past year.
I’ve developed more of a desire to connect with people, and have become curious as to what that says about me. I’ve also experienced the benefits of talking to people, of being around people more.
And in taking steps, albeit ever so tentative ones, to connect, new (or just long buried?) aspects of my self have started to emerge.
I’ve been wondering to what extent my solitary bent might be thwarting me from being able to express other traits I feel I also have a leaning towards – my generosity, kindness, empathy, sensitivity; characteristics I can only truly realise via interacting with people.
I’ve also realised – mainly as a result of becoming an auntie – how loving and lighthearted I can actually be.
And so I’ve found myself pondering whether I do have the potential to be more social/relational/closely connected to people, and if I were to allow myself to explore that, whether that would enable me to become a ‘bigger and better’ version of myself.
This has all been pretty revelatory.
Yet, I also know that my fundamental issues remain: my shyness, my social anxiety, my chronic reserve. I still feel incapable of establishing anything other than a superficial acquaintanceship with someone. I can’t make friends easily. Whether that’s down to nature, nurture, or most likely, a mixture of both, I’m damaged goods. In social situations, I still don’t quite work properly. I still stiffen with fear, when people get too near. I’m still scared of intimacy, of being swallowed up by other people, of losing myself if I get too close.
I’m ready to admit that I would welcome more social interaction in my life, that I want to try and be a bit more social, because I know it would be good for me.
And I’ll even go so far to say that this pull I’m experiencing towards being more social, is coming from somewhere deep inside of me, it feels natural, like some long-buried part of me is ever so gently, subtly, blossoming into life. I believe I have it in me to be more connected to people that I am currently am, that I’m meant to have more relationships than I currently do.
So, now I find myself asking – how do I square my need/natural desire for solitude (which very much still exists) with the emergence of this new need/desire to reach out and be with people more, to form more substantial connections?
What do I want? (do I actually want friends?)
How can I be more social in a way that feels true to me?
But who is ‘me’? When I describe myself as socially distant, and yet, here I am, experiencing these stirrings of a side of me that would like – no, needs – to be a bit more social?
Highlights from Socially Distant’s 2nd year:
Socially Distant 