Acknowledging the benefits of social connection.

Schizoids, solitaries and other socially distant folk – guess what? If we want to lead healthier and happier lives, then we’re going to have to make some friends. 

Robin Dunbar lays out the case, rather convincingly I think, in his book Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships. Dunbar says: “Perhaps the most surprising finding to emerge from the medical literature over the past two decades has been the evidence that the more friends we have, the less likely we are to fall prey to diseases, and the longer we will live.” 

He sets out the findings of a slew of studies, all of which have shown how vital friendship – and social connection, more broadly – is to our psychological and physical wellbeing. 

I’ve written before that even though some of us can go without socialising or intimate relationships, we still need other people around us to help meet our basic, physical needs. No one can go through life completely alone. 

But there’s no denying the psychological benefits of social connection as well. And I want to highlight this here, not just because that’s where the science is at, but because that’s where I’m at as well…  

I love living by myself; but doing everything for yourself all the time can be stressful, especially when you get sick or a maintenance issue crops up. It’s easy to see how people with larger social networks tend to live healthier and longer lives. If I had more people on hand to help me out with stuff from time to time, or someone to offload to at the end of the day, I probably wouldn’t struggle with anxiety as much as I do.

Having said that, I know I have family that would come to my aid should the shit ever really hit the fan. This gives me some sense of security. If I didn’t have family to fall back on, I’m in no doubt this would exacerbate my anxieties; having them around buffers me from spiralling completely.

Family also provides me with that all-important sense of belonging. Being a sister, a daughter, and an auntie, form part of my identity, and provide me with some purpose in life. Again, without family to anchor me in the world, I can only envision worse outcomes for my wellbeing. 

I think it’s actually rare to find the ‘genuine’ solitary – i.e. someone with no family or friends, whose social network is made up of mere acquaintances only –   who is also in good mental health, who is perfectly content with life.  Even a staunch proponent of the loner life like Anneli Rufus, author of Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto, married.

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Socially distant people may have an overwhelming preference for their own company. However, this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re completely averse to forming connections with others. 

If that was the case, there wouldn’t be Discord servers, subreddits and Tumblrs dedicated to schizoids and other solitary types. The existence of these platforms, where people share experiences, seek advice, seek recognition of who-they-are-in-the-world, points to the fact that even the most asocial type of person, harbours some need to relate to others and for others to relate to them. 

In fact, the socially distant individual’s desire for connection might actually run very deep, but they find establishing and maintaining relationships difficult and discomforting.

A couple of things in particular can get in the way of the socially distant person from being able to make friends, to form bonds. 

One is not feeling safe enough with other people to have anything more than a superficial relationship with them, to be nothing more than acquaintances. 

Many socially distant people, specifically those who are shy, schizoid and/or avoidant, can find it incredibly difficult to get close to people. The desire for a relationship might be there, but fear – fear of rejection, ridicule, overwhelm, domination, destruction – wins out. This struggle is what’s known as the schizoid dilemma.  

Another thing that can make it difficult for schizoids et al. to form close relationships is their need for authenticity. It is well-established that introverts seek deep connections, and it has been noted that schizoids “want to be fully known by the people they care about, but they fear that if they are completely open about their inner life, they will be exposed as freaks” (Nancy McWilliams). 

In other words, socially distant people have a hard time with bullshit; they find it hard to go along with the small talk and silly games which make up so much of everyday social life. It can therefore be difficult for the schizoid, the introvert, to find people who ‘get’ them, who they can gel with. Therefore, given the choice between empty, boring, superficial social interactions – which drain, dissipate, and destroy the self; or isolation – where the true, inner (freak) self can be realised; the socially distant individual will plump for the latter. 

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Humans are social animals; we all need relationships of some kind, even the most solitary amongst us. We may question to what extent we need close, intimate relationships, whether we need friendships per se.  However, the evidence for the benefits of social connection to our health and wellbeing is so overwhelming, that I don’t think it should merely be dismissed as ‘nonsense’, or ‘not applicable’, by those of us who insist we are better off alone. 

I think it should be recognised that a need for social connection resides in all of us, to a lesser or greater extent. But for some people it can be difficult to meet this need.  

References:

• Robin Dunbar, (2021),  Friends: Understanding the Power of our Most Important Relationships
• Nancy McWilliams, (2011), Schizoid Personalities. In Psychoanalytic Diagnosis, 2nd Ed.: Understanding Personality Structure in the Clinical Process
• Anneli Rufus, (2003), Party of One: The Loners’ Manifesto