Thoughts on having a co-worker who’s quieter than you

I have a colleague who is even more introverted than I am.

It’s been difficult to gel with them, because they don’t give much away. And I don’t just mean in terms of the lack of information they reveal about themselves, but also in how reserved they are in their non-verbal communication. They’re not very expressive, rarely even nodding, let alone smiling. 

This has been interesting for me, because I consider myself to be pretty reserved and self-contained. However, compared to this new co-worker of mine, I feel I come across quite gregarious, pretty sociable. 

Unlike them, I do tend to reciprocate when someone strikes up a bit of small talk with me; I’ll smile, nod, and laugh along. I may be shy and introverted, but I’m also friendly and personable when speaking to others; I’m prosocial.  

To some extent, I understand my pleasant and polite communication style to be somewhat of a safety behaviour – a way to come across more social than I am, to stop people from seeing me as ‘too quiet’, and forming a less favourable impression of me as a result. It’s a way to get people to like and accept me. 

Having said that, I do believe I am naturally inclined to be friendly and amiable. Meeting this new – even quieter – colleague of mine has led me to this conclusion. In a team meeting, for example, you’ll likely find them silent and expressionless, whereas I’ll be smiling, nodding, saying ‘yes’, ‘ok’, etc. It would feel ‘wrong’, nay, unnatural, for me to contain myself to the same extent my colleague manages to. 

To be honest, I actually find such extreme reserve in a person a bit disconcerting. I do appreciate a dose of extrovert energy; it can be good for me. I’ve often found it easier to interact with co-workers who are more talkative and outgoing than I am. Speaking to someone with a more easy, breezy manner helps me to blow off some of my reserve and reveal more of my personality; albeit not to a huge extent, but certainly enough to feel like I’ve developed positive relationships with some of the people I’ve worked with. 

In contrast, trying to establish a rapport with another quiet colleague has been difficult, awkward; hard work! Because making small talk, making friends, doesn’t come easily to me, I need the other person to bring a bit more to the interaction to thaw me out a bit. 

I’m in uncharted territory with this colleague; I feel like I’m the one that needs to be a bit extra, in order to break down our mutual reserve and form a more fulfilling connection. 

But wait a minute – why do I feel the need to? My colleague is reserved, but they don’t come across as shy. I think they’re confident in who they are. So why not just accept that, and leave them be? Why do I feel this need to make our relationship more than it’s probably capable of being? 

Maybe this also speaks to my more prosocial inclinations, those stirrings inside of me that are more desirous of connection? Am I feeling pressure to ‘make friends’ because that’s what you’re ‘supposed’ to do, or because, actually, that’s what I want to do?